When my oldest was five years old, I discovered the philosophy of unschooling through the internet. I can still feel the same excitement flow through my body that was felt when I started reading about this concept. It was perfect. It met every expectation I wanted for my kids. I wanted to continue practicing attachment parenting and this philosophy of education allowed us to do that. I loved how my kids played, explored, and created and wanted that world to continue for them, and it did. After seeing too many kids’s self esteem suffer as a public school teacher because they were being asked to perform duties they were not yet ready to perform, I wanted my kids to have the freedom to learn when and in a way that fit them best, and they did. I looked forward to finding a group of moms that shared my same passion for this type of natural learning and for a short time, I did. However, things changed as my kids got older. Fewer people in my group had a passion for unschooling. Instead of allowing freedom, many in my support system turned to fears of their kids not performing at the same level as their school friends, moms had an agenda for their kids rather than following the agenda of the kids, fears that teens would make the wrong choices or be a bad reflection on us, fears that kids were not motivated enough, etc.
For years now I have felt like an outsider within my unschooling group. The days of sharing the incredible things my son has learned from video games is over as it has created too much conflict among moms. After hearing more than once, "My son/daughter is eight years old and not reading. I have got to do something," I don’t share the amazing story of my son not becoming a reader until 12/13 years old (even though he loved me reading books, owner manuals, etc to him and remembered every word) and then moving straight to high school/college reading material. The few people I have shared this story with give me this strange blank look and are stumped as how to reply. I no longer share how my daughter taught herself to read at seven because she wanted to read like Laura Ingalls Wilder, but then never picked up a book to read by herself again until she was nine years old, even though she loved me reading to her. I feel like an outsider who has spent a lot of years passionate about a philosophy of learning that trusts in children to make the choices that are right for them only to find that I am pretty much alone in my philosophy. Well, that isn't completely true. Moms with young kids love to talk unschooling. They love the idea of allowing their kids to learn in freedom - that is until they are eight years old and not following the mold of society. I have seen it over and over again. I am actually reluctant to even talk about unschooling with moms anymore because it often seems like a stage they are going through and it isn’t worth my time anymore.
I was asked the other day if we have followed an unschooling philosophy since my kids were young. Yes, we have. The next question which I get often was “how do you unschool a teen?” You unschool a teen just like you do an infant, a toddler, or a child - you listen to their needs and you help them meet those needs. My kids ask for help when needed and I do my best to meet their needs, but most of the time they are out reserving books at the library, reading stuff on the internet, watching YOUTUBE videos, talking to people, etc. They are not learning any differently than before except that now their learning doesn't always happen through play but more through interactions with people and the internet. They learn like I do. They have an interest and they pursue it. I don’t mind answering these type of questions because I realize that for many unschooling is unknown territory, but I guess in an unschooling community, it still surprises me that I get these questions.
What I have found in an unschooling community is that there is a very small number of parents that really believe in or understand the concept of allowing their children to be the driver in both their education and their lives. Most parents that join an unschooling community are more on the eclectic side of education. They believe strongly that their child must be taught the basics in life, but like the idea of giving them a little freedom. That isn’t me. I have never believed that I needed to provide a basic education for my children because when I stay out of their way or help with their requests, these basic things are easily met without any manipulating, fighting or controlling on my part. When you trust your child to drive their own education, you don’t dismiss their need to be on the computer or video games for long periods of time as wasteful or as a luxury for when everything “important” is complete. They are driven to these forms of technology for a reason. You talk to your children and find out what is driving them to want to play hours upon hours of a video game. I am truly impressed with my son when he shares this information with me. He has goals when he starts and he has a plan of action. As my husband explains, “he plans out his video games exactly like a project leader at work plans out a project. He has a goal, he has expectations and in the end, he evaluates his choices.” He was never taught this, but developed these wonderful skills by being allowed to follow his own educational choices.
Over the years, I have enjoyed what unschooling provides for us at home, but have been discouraged with how it has evolved within the unschooling community. Here are a few things I see that get in the way of allowing unschooled kids to live life freely together:
Unschooling philosophy is very different depending on who you talk to. Over my ten years in unschooling communities, I have learned that each family views unschooling just a little bit differently.
Parenting Styles. We each have our own goals and experiences when it comes to parenting and often those differences among the parents hold back the freedoms allowed to the kids.
Some parent/kids are not explorers. It is true. Some parents and kids are very content living in their little world and not moving outside of it. Although I am a huge homebody, I do crave adventure and want it for my kids too. However, we are all not the same. Being an unschooler doesn’t guarantee that you are an adventurer.
Income. Due to the cost of activities, it often prevents many of us from doing all that we would like to do.
Distance. This has been one of the biggest challenges for us in regards to friendships. Friends come from all directions and getting together frequently is difficult due to the time and distance.
Life Issues. As my kids have gotten older, more and more of us have had life issues that lead us away from allowing freedom for our children as we need to concentrate on the issues occurring now.
Embracing freedom in schedule to point of being rude. I am going to elaborate on this one a little more because this has been by far the biggest struggle for me in regards to my unschooling community. I grew up in a family with six kids. We were late everywhere we went. I can remember being maybe seven or eight and we were once again late for church. As we all clomped our way down to the front pew I remember thinking, “This is really rude. People are already praying and in a special state of consciousness and we are interrupting them.” I made a conscious choice then and there that when time was up to me, I would not be rude to others. Since day one of our unschooling adventures with others, this respect has not been given back to us. We have had numerous birthday parties, sleepovers, and get togethers with a specific time for attendance. I can’t count the number of times my kids have waited at the window excited to get started on the party and waited half an hour to over an hour before friends showed up. There were not calls/texts or anything else to let us know they would be late. Sometimes people don’t even show up at all even though the day before they said they would. We have gone to other people’s homes at the time they gave us to show up and they are out shopping or doing other errands. After ten years of this, I am worn out. I love the idea of being in charge of your own schedule, but at a certain point it just becomes rude to those who want to be with you. My kids have a joke that it doesn’t matter what time we schedule an event (we have now moved everything from a start time of 11:00 to a start time of 1:00 because nobody would show up before then), some families will still regularly be 30-60 minutes late. We have sat at parks waiting for friends that show up an hour before park day is supposed to end. It wastes my time to sit there waiting and disappoints my kids who wake up early on unschooling group days because they want as much time as possible with their friends. Every week is a gamble on when (sometimes people do show up earlier and you don’t want to miss out on that time together) and if people will show up. For my family, we like to know if people are coming and approximately what time. Maybe we are a little too structured, I don’t know. When families show up super late and act like it is no big deal, it makes me feel like they don’t value my time or friendship.
What could be done differently? Overall, I don't know. The most important parts of unschooling have still happened for my family despite the frustrations we have felt. My husband and I have listened to our kids needs over the years. I was there by their sides when they needed me to sit with them as they played with a friend and now I am listening when they need some distance from me to make their own choices - good and bad! My frustration comes in having several years of feeling like I was bending too much from who I am to meet the needs of others (later and later time for groups to start and shorter and shorter time to hang out, asking my kids to play differently so they aren't a disruption, folks not signing up for events until the very last minute and then not showing up and being stuck paying their share, and playdates cancelled for no apparent reason). I know that I can’t change the friends we have so I don’t know what the answer would be for those issues except just trying to accept the differences and set guidelines for how far outside of my comfort zone I can go. In retrospect, I would also not get wrapped up in other parent’s fears and frustrations. Over the years I have allowed myself to internally feel the frustrations and fears other moms have about their kids and unschooling when they weren’t my fears and frustrations. I have acted on their belief system at times rather than my own and felt uncomfortable. Luckily my kids understand this about me and realize that I do this and also come out of it.
What now? Move ahead. At one time the group of people we hung out with (unschoolers or not) was sufficient. But like a good marriage, partners need others in their life to stimulate them. That's where we are right now, ready for new stimulation that fits our needs better but still wanting to hold onto the friends we have while feeling frustrated because we don't know yet where that new stimulation will come from. But, just as I believe a kid being bored is good, I also know frustration is good. Frustration will lead to new opportunities. As we have done throughout our unschooling journey, we will listen to our hearts and see what new paths are ahead for us. I am looking forward to the new opportunities out there for my family. I look forward to my kids searching and finding what nourishes them while I am also doing the same thing. Unschooling will continue in our house, despite the frustrations.
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